Journal Entry

1.45am Back from the pub. I fear I stayed longer than anticipated. Though the memories are vague, I focus on the task at hand and brush my teeth. Finding the bed seems harder than usual, but I dismiss the thought with unconsciousness. Clever boy.

6.30am Why the fuck am I awake?

7am I contact my line manager to alert him to the possibility I cannot be arsed working today. He expresses sympathy for my unfortunate plight. I decide to check my work emails quickly.

8am I hate work emails.

8.01am I consider sleeping but decide to read some Dilbert cartoons instead.

9am I fear I am pissing away my day off.

10am i consider showering but settle for being attacked by the cat for no obvious reason. She already cornered me once in the laundry room earlier. Luckily she was distracted by a treat.

10.30am Shower.

10.45am Reinvigorated i set off for the main task of the day. I take Samuel L Pig and his coiny innards to the bank coin machine.

11.15am I start unloading the coins from the pig.

12.00pm I curse the pig loudly after 215 dollars worth of coins (some foreign, some novelty) is finally transformed into a cash voucher worth 198 dollars.

12.30pm I pop into the local hostelry for a quick lunch before a productive afternoon at home.

3.30pm Exiting the local hostelry I realize I never bloody learn.

4.00pm Create blog entry. Not sure why. Bladder seems strangely full.

4.01pm Argh!

Real life

Always alert to the possibility of losing half my current audience, I take feedback very seriously. A long time fan of this blog mentioned that I might consider putting some more real life stuff in to make that personal connection. Like I'm some sort of Fonz.

Talking about your deepest fears and delusions are not considered real life apparently. Which got me to thinking. What is real life? Apart from the 5 senses which feed information to our hungry brains, real life is what goes on in your head in processing all that information. It is the interaction between you and your environment, including people, animals, street furniture, ambient and artificial light, food, drink, the sound of traffic, the smells all around.

So is real life just your perception and reaction to all this disparate information coming in at speeds that sometimes approach sensory overload?

No idea. Sounds complicated.

So here's a personal story from today... Got up, girl is sick, cat is needy, traffic is annoying, work is full of the usual idiots. Starting to feel hungry so may go to lunch.

Is that better, or do you want to know more about Jeff?

Imaginary friends

I never had an imaginary friend when I was younger. I usually had real flesh and blood friends. Some of them I even liked.

Actually, that is not entirely true. I shared an imaginary friend with a lot of people when I was younger, but eventually decided he was not much use, always stroking his beard and tutting at my youthful escapades. So in the fullness of time, I became an atheist and have never looked back.

So I was quite surprised last year when I suddenly developed an imaginary friend. Actually Jeff is more of an imaginary minion, which is rather different even though we are quite close. I have a feeling I may have promoted myself up the food chain in order to imagine a subordinate rather than an equal.

Jeff is incredibly useful. He does my laundry, makes most of my meals, and looks after me when I'm sick. And he makes the most amazing cocktails. He even has a custom blender in the back of my car to keep me juiced on long road trips.

The only problem is that he is getting a bit bolshy these days. He has started to demand increased vacation days, his own room instead of sharing the sofa with the cat, and now he has asked for a paycheck. Fortunately, I have a large stack of imaginary notes to pay him with.

You just can't get reliable imaginary help these days, can you?

Why rusty spoons, Jeff?

Rusty spoons have struck fear into my heart for many a long year. I dread the idea that they will cause me to have to work out when I last had a bloody tetanus shot. Then there is the follow up hassle of making an appointment with the doctor and wondering if your hand is going to fall off before the extremely convenient appointment two weeks away.

I have a few other phobias. The main one is a fear that my toes are not securely attached to my feet. I think that a hard enough tug will pull them right out and I will have to get special shoes.

Damn, I mentioned shoes.

Another unreasonable fear is that I will leave the house with no pants on. As this has never happened to me or anyone I know, I have no idea why the thought panics me from time to time. I have left the house with no shoes on, but that is just uncomfortable in a physical sense. With a bit of flair, it can be sold as a blow to societal conventions. A lack of pants would just look stupid.

I mentioned shoes again.

Anyway, I am heading off now, with pants firmly on.

Hello World!

This blog will cover nothing of use to anyone. If you are expecting any of the following, you are looking in the wrong place...

• Intelligent discourse
• Witty asides
• Life lessons
• Arcane knowledge
• Pizza making tips
• Stories about cute animals
• Shoes

Sorry. <= I will be saying that a lot. Definitely.

So until I have something of no value to say, see ya!